A client finished our recent session with a deep sigh. She looked at me and said: "I wish I could listen to my child like you listen to me". Then she smiled "Though I imagine it's easier, you know, to listen, since I'm not screaming at you or throwing shoes at your face."
I felt touched that being listened to was the experience that she was taking away with her. I also felt sad that she had not had enough of those in her life for it to be readily available when needed.
I also don't have a lifetime of experience of being listened to and heard. Communication seems to have been taught to me in a way that favours the outward element - how to speak, how to convince, how to convey. But who is listening? And if we want our children to listen, the experience we need to provide is that of being listened to and heard - perhaps especially in the hardest moments.
So some years ago I made listening my practice, rather than speaking, convincing, correcting, coercing. Listening to the feelings and needs beyond words and behaviours. Listening to that which we have in common, so my heart can be soft, rather than holding on to what we don't love about the other. Listening in a way Mark Nepo describes as "[...] lean(ing) in softly with the willingness to be changed by what we hear."
And sure, not having shoes thrown at your face definitely helps with that :)
Wouldn't it be wonderful if our children came home from school and said "Mum, dad, I am feeling really tired from all the social interaction, and need some time to recover, and probably a snack for nourishment and comfort." Instead we get a child who can barely control her screams, and hates everything including you.
Or "Mum, dad, I am feeling really said after hearing some words my friends used to describe me today. I am feeling lonely, and would love to know that this will pass, and that there are people who love me for who I am." Instead we get a child who slams the door and yells at her sister, or throws all the books from her bookshelf.
Or maybe even "Dad, mum, I really hate how this cereal sticks to my tongue and right now I don't think I have the capacity to eat food that is not my favourite, because I had a bad dream, and my top is really sticky. Would you please be so kind and just give me a softer top and perhaps together we can find food that is both acceptable to you and enjoyable for me?" Instead we get... well, all of us know what.
So, while a lot of focus is on how to explain, convince, use just the right words so your child does this that or the other - what if for a while we focused on listening?
Below I share some ways of listening when things get tricky, hot or loud, that might be soothing to both your child's nervous system and yours. So that you don't have to "do empathy through gritted teeth", but can take a breath and try to hear this person who relies on you hearing them.
How to listen so it soothes both your nervous system and theirs
Tune out all the words and listen to their face and body language
At times the words we hear from our children can trigger us in ways we might find surprising. Hearing a child complain about dinner we just made and put on the table, hearing name calling, doors slammed in your face. Sometimes the volume of screams sends our nervous system into fight or flight before we can even take a breath.
One way of staying present and not jumping into judgments or using too many words (which our children usually have zero capacity for if they're in the middle of intense emotions) is to tune out all of the words, sounds, and focus on other signals our kids are sending us.
Look at their face - what can you read on their face? Does that help you guess what's going on inside of them? What if you look at their body language? If we believe all behaviour is communication - what are they trying to communicate right now? If there was a free translation device, that spits out beautifully formed easy to accept description of what is going on for your child - what do you think it would say?
This approach to listening beyond any words allows us to be present in a way that doesn't get us sucked into the words, which might be hard to hear. It also shifts our state into that of curiosity, in this way stopping our reactivity in its tracks, because "you can't be curious and angry at the same time." (Catherine Hoke)
Guess what they might be feeling
We have heard this perhaps more times than we can count - that it's important to validate the emotions, or, in Dan Siegel's words, "name it to tame it". Guessing what your child might be feeling in the moment has the ability to reduce the intensity of the feeling for them. But the point of guessing their feelings is not to stop them from feeling. Rather, it is to make feeling more manageable, to allow it to be lived through. To offer your children the experience that they felt really really angry, or scared, or sad and you were still there and then the feeling shifted.
Listening in for feelings is a way of letting your child know that whatever they're going through has a name for it, someone else has gone through it, and you're trying to understand what that is.
It lets them know that their emotions matter to you and that you're not scared of their feelings. That is a powerful message to hold, walking into the world.
Guess what they might be needing
Ohhh so you really wanted... is such a powerful mantra to acknowledge our child's reality, and detach ourselves from being pulled into the emotions and taken with their current. It also allows us to be touched by their needs and wants - because more often than not we can understand what that is like. This shared reality shifts our brain from fight mode, where it feels like us-versus-them, into a compassionate understanding.
You really wanted to be left alone so you can finish building this tower?
Oh you wanted so badly to be included in this game?
Ohhh so you really really wanted chocolate ice-cream for breakfast, something that you really love eating?
We can all relate to wanting something badly and just not getting it. What is your child needing right now, so desperately, and not quite seeing an option how to get it? If they're screaming and slamming doors, are they needing space? If they're crying unconsolably after a friend didn't want to play with them, are they needing comfort and perhaps to be included?
Every behaviour is driven by a feeling, and every feeling informs us of a need that is or is not being met in the given moment. Listening in for needs is guessing what really matters to your child right now.
It doesn't mean you need to give them chocolate for breakfast. It doesn't mean they will always be getting what they want.
But it does mean, that they can see you get what it's like, and this makes frustration a little bit easier to bear. And knowing you get it, they can increase their frustration tolerance bit by bit in safe company.
Offer a wild, crazy, impossible dream guess
This is a different way of offering empathy, which is wonderful for times that feel stuck, or on repeat, or if you are just losing capacity to be present. Listen to your child and offer them a wild, impossible dream that would just fulfill whatever need they have in the moment. This way of offering empathy introduced by Sarah Peyton, is especially soothing in moments of worry, alarm, or feeling of stuckness.
For a child screaming "I hate you, you always destroy all my buildings!" to their sibling, it might be something like this: Oh wow, do you just wish that you were in this massive spaceship, far from everyone, where you can build in peace and even if something gets destroyed it gets rebuild straight away just when you look at it?
Or for a child who is worried about complexities with friends, and concerned about not being asked to play: Would you really love it if when you walk out onto the playground there are hundreds of fantastic fairy tale animals that all want to play with you, and you invent games together and suddenly everyone joins in your game?
Your child will most likely offer their own impossible dream in response - listen in to hear what matters to them!
This is not a way of diverting our kids (or ourselves) from feeling, but rather a warm way of connecting to needs and longings, that also allows to access some creativity. This is a way of listening to our dreams, so that we can also see ways of engaging with our reality differently.
With older kids - check what role you have here before you step into it
Sometimes we offer our children words that don't match what they would love to get from us in the moment - that are far from what would actually be helpful. But we often simply don't know what would help, because it's hard to know what someone else needs at any given moment. We do however have the option of asking - this is such an underused strategy, that offers our child the option to check what they need from us and ask us for just that. Some ways of doing that are:
Hey, I'm wondering if you'd like me to just listen, or maybe listen and offer advice? Or maybe guess how you're doing as you're telling me what happened?
This allows the child to notice how they would like to be supported, which is a huge learning for all of us. It also prevents us from offering something they don't want, and avoiding our own frustration at either saying something that was not helpful, or not knowing what to do.
In my experience older children know exactly what they need in the given moment. Sometimes when we offer them options, it may be "none of the above, I want you to listen and then let me eat ice-cream" ;)
Just breathe. In silence.
Very often it's enough to just sit there in silence. Not run through the grocery list in your mind, but just imagine yourself to be this vast soft space within which all of these feelings can just play out until they are done. You are here. It matters more than anything else.
If you want to access and practice different ways of connecting and listening to your child, join me on the upcoming online course "Kids at Heart: a coaching toolkit for parents, teachers and others who care."
If you'd like some individual support or to see what parent coaching is all about - hop in here and book a free, no obligation 30-minute call to see if I can support you.
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