Massive feelings out of nowhere?

I have had multiple conversations with parents and teachers saying something along the lines of: they're fine and all is well, and then suddenly, in a split second out of nowhere, for no apparent reason, they just lose it. What is going on there? What am I missing?

The key to starting to unpack this puzzle is: no apparent reason. This does not mean there is no reason, this simply means we cannot see the reason for what just happened.

Children's reactions (much like our own adult reactions) are always for a reason - the challenge is that we do not see the reasons until it is too late. Much like a volcano exploding, which, without the right understanding, tools, and to an untrained eye, simply explodes out of nowhere. But if we understand what happens on the inside, what complex processes need to happen overtime for a volcano to actually explode - we do not think it is "out of nowhere". We simply acknowledge that while we ourselves are not trained, the experts can understand and even at times predict the explosion. If we think of children's "explosion of emotions" in a similar way - as something that simmers under the surface, and which we might get a bit more sensitivity or training to recognize the signs of earlier, it might be helpful for us to actually respond to. And at the same time, there are explosions that just simmer under the surface and we don't notice until it's too late.

Because humans and behaviour is complicated, the reasons for an "out of nowhere" expression of emotions can be many, but here are two to begin with.

Their cup is overflowing

Your child's cup - aka their nervous system - has been filling up steadily for hours

and it is very likely that none of it has come out. Whatever tiny thing just happened (a pencil dropped to the floor, someone touched them walking past them) is the final drop, and now it's all coming out.

Very often our children gather little (or bigger) stresses throughout the day, and this steady drip of things keeps on adding to their cup until it can no longer hold. Ideally they would also have ways of emptying that cup throughout the day, but unfortunately this is not always the case. If you know your child collects frustrations throughout the day, and need support emptying their cup, start coming up with strategies that allow them to get rid of those frustrations bit by bit.

I can no longer remember who offered me this metaphor, but when feelings start to come out in this big unexpected way imagine this as if your child was throwing up - you would not surely try to stop them from vomiting, or ask them to swallow it all? You would probably hold their hair, hold a cold flannel to their head, stroke their back. The same applies here - emotions need a way out, and whatever just happened simply opened the valve. As Gordon Neufeld says "emotion seeks expression", and this is your child's way of getting it out.

This is like many times before

Another possibility is that something in this experience just now - however minor it seems to you in the moment - took them to multiple other similar experiences and they are responding to all of those at once. This is not uncommon for adults and children alike - whatever is in front of us stimulates our brain to recall (without our conscious awareness) similar situations, and we react. This is why sometimes our own reactions might seem surprisingly big for what just happened.

Perhaps your child has been experiencing situations where they are not asked to play with someone, or are picked last, or are not invited to a birthday party. And imagine that this has happened more than once, and they have not had a way of expressing it. And as you potter around the house, your child comes into the kitchen when you're cooking or handling something hot and you simply ask them to not come in here for just a moment. Small, simple, non-threatening request. To which you get a massive yell, a flood of tears, perhaps a "nobody ever wants me anywhere!!!!"

Where did that come from?

From "all the times before" that were not acknowledged and not "felt through" at the time.

How to move through this?

So yes, in a way, all those comments about "meltdowns about this tiny unimportant thing?!" are correct in this way - these big feelings are not about that tiny thing. That tiny thing just opened a gate to more feelings coming out.

What can we do?

There are two simple steps to start with:

Come alongside your feeling child, and sense their body and their feelings.

***What does their body need to come back? To be hugged? To stomp? A cuddle? You know your child best, so try something from your repertoire***

***What feelings are coming out? Frustration? Upset? Sadness? Take a wild guess once the body is in a bit more balanced state***

These feelings are never "for no reason" - it is simply that the reasons are hidden inside the body.

With care,

Anna

If you'd like to explore ways of supporting your children and yourself through some of these frustrated emotional expressions, check out these online offerings coming up.

Roots&Wings (online, 7 weeks, starts September 9th)

Mothering through Anger (online, 6 weeks, starts November 4th)

Responding to tantrums, meltdowns and upsets (online, 90 minutes on November 20th. Recording available after if you register)

More resources around this:

Neufeld Institute's Lisa Weiner's article on many ways of getting frustration out of our systems.

Mona Delahooke, Ph.D. and her website as well as her "Brain and Body parenting"

Dr. Becky at Good Inside and her book "Good Inside" pointing out (among other things) that there is always a reason (and that it's our job - as adults - to try and guess what it is)