Make it small

9 minutes ago

4 min read

Perhaps you're exhausted, overwhelmed, and perhaps there are moments when you have had enough. The world can be, as Gordon Neufeld repeatedly says, a wounding place and thriving in this world at times requires us to dig deep into our reserves.

If you're a parent you know it.

If you're a teacher you know it.

If you're a caregiver you know it.

Frankly, if you're a person who cares for others and the planet in any way, you know the exhaustion and overwhelm.

I am not and probably never will be an advocate of self-care - I believe in collective care, cascading care (again, referencing dr Neufeld), care for each other in communities. I believe care for others gives birth to growth in ourselves.

And yet, it is vitally important to also have a basket of micro-treats that we can pull out by ourselves, that are easily accessible, and impact our nervous system by retuning it and by allowing some more access to our capacity.

At times we might think that in order to recover - either in ourselves, or in our relationships (be it with children, friends or partners), we need to go big.

We need to get away for a weekend.

We need a grand gesture.

We need to buy the biggest gift our budgets allow.

But in fact, cycle-breakers are tiny, and the smaller we go the more possible and frequest they become. The smaller they are, the more chance you will reach for them.

This is not in exchange for systemic changes, community support, building networks of care. These are some other tools we can have when the going gets tough.

Micromoments for self

Momentary breaks provide a relief to our brain and nervous system, and allow a break in what feels like a never ending tunnel of stress. Research shows those microbreaks are a wonderful regulatory tool.

What's the smallest of these that might be accessible to you every so often?

look up from wherever you are and see the sky or the horizon - this way we can get out of the narrow moment and our brain can remember a bit of perspective
place a hand over your heart and notice all the sensations that come with it - the temperature, the sensation of touch
remember the last time you felt joy, or contentment, or connection with yourself - whatever it is that you might be longoing for right now - and lean into feeling all the sensations that come with that memory. Our brains are not that great at distinguishing from real and not real - just as you get all teh uncomfortable feelings from remembering things that were hard or difficult, you can retune by remembering the goodness and allowing yourself to rub it in ;)
4-6-8 breathing - take a breath in for 4, hold your breath for 6, breathe out for 8. Extended breath slows your heart rate and allows your nervous system to slow down for a moment.
sing or dance or shake or jiggle - for the length of one song (or ten seconds) allow your body to move and make sounds in ways that feel just right for the moment.

Micromoments for connection

With the ones you love

If you notice connection is hard to come by with your child or partner, start looking for the tiniest of places where it becomes possible. Not a full-on overhaul of how you are together, that requires perhaps more than you are now able to access.

A few moments of play or silliness together.

Making a funny face, singing a song,

A smile and a laugh.

A little hug on the side.

Remembering something they like to eat or drink and offering that.

Writing a tiny note.

Sticking a heart-shaped sticker on their backpack (or laptop ;)

Just any human connection

While it is vitally important to maintain and cultivate our close connections (with family, friends), social connection comes in many forms. We need all layers of human connection, and most of it doesn't require a lot of work or time or depth - and still comes with the benefit of leaning into being in community - simply reminding yourself you are not alone does wonders for our wellbeing.

smile at someone sitting next to you at the bus stop
ask the person selling you ice-cream how their day has been
offer a compliment in passing
wave to an elderly person, or someone walking a dog
pick a flower and hand it to the next person you pass

Whatever your smallest, tinies, most accessible flavour of simple everyday social connection looks like - build it up, practice it. In the world of google maps, AI, all the information at our fingertips in our phone, maintaining those real life encounters is a life saving exercise. Practice that muscle before it disappears.

At times, intensity of life, parenting, working feels like it might never end. Micromoments that offer our nervous system a reminder of goodness offer a relief that might seem tiny, but has incredible ripples.