Why we snap at our children...

I am yet to meet a parent who has not snapped at their children. We have all been in a situation when things got too much, or it was too late, or some other version of "enough of this!"

And many of us then at some point come to regret our voice, our actions, our tone. And so often we end up feeling guilty, and then saying to ourselves a version of "I'll never do that again." The issue of course is that, first of all we are human and likely we will snap again (and again). And, second of all, until we work out what was it that made us snap in the first place, it's going to be incredibly tricky to "not do it again". And thirdly - adding guilt on top of anger is very likely to increase our frustration or anger, not lessen it.

Interestingly, most of the times we snap at our children, or get angry, yell, express ourselves in ways we don't enjoy - it is less to do with what the child has just said or done, and more to do with what is going on for us in that moment.

In other words, we don't really get annoyed "because they...", but we we get annoyed "because we..." so the best thing we can do is actually not all the toolbox of intervention strategies we have in place for when things get hot (though they are, for sure, useful), but looking for prevention strategies - how did I get there in the first place?

Here are some common reasons that trigger our annoyance, irritation and overall explosions of emotions onto our kids:

Children tug at our heart strings...

Children with their behaviours that trigger our anger, might be reminding us of some unresolved painful bits we carry inside ourselves.

Before you had kids it was probably a lot easier to take care of those painful bits, or package them and have them covered with a layer of dust. You had more time, more capacity, more options for taking your time. But once kids are in the picture two things happen:

• your children's behaviour reminds you of some things from the past, and it becomes really hard to ignore that;

• the option to package things neatly in a box and put them aside under a layer of dust is really diminished - you're tired, overwhelmed, you do not have the capacity to be covering things up anymore. They float right to the surface, and often overflow.

What is the particular behaviour in your child that you really struggle with? Can you think how that behaviour would have been welcome by your parents?

Perhaps when you got angry as a child you were told to "go to your room", or that "there's nothing to be upset about", or that your mum or dad will "talk to you once you are calm". This means your anger didn't have a safe place to come out and be dealt with - and when your child now gets angry, these memories get triggered (often without you being aware of it). No wonder you explode.

If this is you, you might need to find spaces where you can explore things in your

child that really stimulate you - in safety. Maybe with friends, maybe other trusted adults, maybe with a helping professional. Explore what it is that gets you snapping, and then ask yourself what it is that you are really reacting to? What does this situation remind you of?

Parenting is asymmetrical

We pour a lot more care into our children, than we get out of this relationship. In so many ways - physical, emotional, social. We are containers for all their feelings, difficulties, bad days, tricky friendships, lost socks. And while you do all that care, in this asymmetrical relationship, you do not get care in return.

"Attachment is the delivery system for care" (Gordon Neufeld)

Children form attachment bonds with us in order to be cared for. And so you give. And give. Until you no longer have anything in the tank, and that's when you explode, start snapping, get short tempered. While you are caring for your child, who offers you care?

We are raised to believe (I definitely was) that our aspiration should be independence, that we can do it ourselves, that we don't have needs, but are meant to care for the needs of others. It's not only unhealthy, it's impossible.

Apparently Marshall Rosenberg once said that "you need an hour of empathy for every ten minutes of parenting." Wouldn't that be something to live in a world where that was available?

If you notice yourself being depleted, and snapping because of it consider: who

can care for you? What are some options that would allow you to receive some care? What can you do or ask for, that would feel caring to yourself?

Unmet needs

Because we care in a way that puts our children's needs first, our needs are often parked for some later time. And then our parking lots get full, and there is no more space to park anything for later - that's when we explode.

At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled. Thus anger can be valuable if we use it as an alarm clock to wake us up— to realize we have a need that isn’t being met, and that we are thinking in a way that makes it unlikely to be met. (Marshall Rosenberg)

Anger is an alarm bell feeling that says "your needs have probably not been met for a while now, time to take care of some of those!!!" And the more we ignore it and go about our days, the louder it will ring next time when opportunity arises - and knowing life, you won't have to wait too long.

Next time when you get annoyed, if you can pause and ask yourself:

• what am I needing right now?

• what would I love right now?

• what is really important for me at this moment?

And if you do explode and can't quite catch yourself on the orange light, find a moment afterwards to ask yourself the same questions thinking about that moment in the past when things spilled over. And once you touch on the need that was really important, that you would really love to get met - can you come up with ways of meeting that need outside of the scenario with your child?

For clarity - by needs I understand universal human needs, as is used in NVC. That is those qualities we all long for, those universal things we all need to survive and thrive, like love, appreciation, to matter, to be seen, rest.

If you need appreciation - how can you get it? Who can you ask?

If you need connection - what can you do to get some in your life?

If you need rest - where are some cracks where you could insert some rest? What might that look like?

There are many ways to meet our needs - but we cannot be parking our needs forever in the hope that they disappear.

Whatever the reason for your anger - there is a good reason for it. And, it is likely not in your child.

Wishing you all the care to be able to find ways to pause and see what's going on.

If you're struggling with anger in your parenting journey, know you're not alone! If you're looking for tools to help you feel your anger, without reacting to it join me on the 6th edition of my live online course Mothering through Anger.